Experiences are almost pointless...

...when you're alone. What's the point if there's no one to experience them with? What's the point of doing anything if there's no one to talk about it with? Is any experience worthy of report without other people?

As I ache from loneliness tonight, I'm left pondering these questions. I'm also brought painfully back to the understanding that I can neither make myself fall in love with someone, nor make someone else fall in love with me.

It's never long before I'm brought back to the pitiful neediness that I have for a relationship. Will I ever be comfortable single? What's more, will I ever find someone I fit with mutually? Every time I find a girl I think is right she doesn't feel the same way. And there have been a few, now, who have seemed almost perfect, but I couldn't fall for. I can also see that most of my choices for a mate weren't very good.

I hate this. I don't want to care, or want, but I do. I wonder how I stop being human and needing in a practical way.

The Stages of Being Alone (in my experience)

1. Excitement: I can do whatever I want!
2. Boredom: What the heck should I do?
3. Loneliness: I just wanna go somewhere or do something with someone…ANYONE!! GAH!!
4. The Click Cycle: Endless time spent clicking almost at random on the internet or scrolling through your newsfeed on Facebook. If someone asks you later what you did online, you don't even remember.
5. Resolve: you start to use your free alone time as an asset. Now you can read whatever book, watch whatever series, or learn about whatever things you want on wikipedia without being interrupted and actually make a lot of progress. At this stage you're probably being productive about unimportant things like TV shows, though.
6. Productivity: you take your resolve and time and start using it to better yourself in some way. You cultivate a hobby and make it a skill. You add to your resumé; you do helpful research related to your chosen field of study/future career. You create and become creative. You write meaningful letters to people, rather than wallowing in self-pity and talking yourself out of several desperate sounding messages.
7. Logical loneliness: You've been productive for a while; you've learned how to make this whole, "Being Alone" thing work for you. But now you realize that you need companionship on a fundamental level as a human being. More creativity, and perhaps, randomness and talking to yourself, ensues. You also become more proactive about calling friends on the phone.
8. You finally have a chance to hang out with people again…and the cycle is reset.