Darkness comes before the dawn? Tonight it is most certainly dark, but the dawn I'm looking forward to will most likely be darker. That's the trouble with tonight, I don't want to face tomorrow.
This is where the stress sets in. As is my custom I have left probably more work than I should have for the day of my project (Thursday). I tell myself in consolation as I rest my head upon my pillow, the night before said day, that I can get it all done and I will be ready in time for my project. And I'm usually almost right. I usually get almost all of it done, though the day is a mad roller coaster as I frantically scamper about, trying to get everything done and I get more and more stressed until the climax when everything comes together in the end.
So why all the stress? I suppose I'm just not looking forward to the journey. I know that I only have two days that I need to get through, and I know that next week is Thanks-giving, but boy oh boy do I wish Friday was today and I could just sit back smugly with the knowledge that I've gotten all of this work done. But that day will come, provided I don't die first, which is always a possibility, I mean, lets face it, people die pretty frequently. All it would take is an idiot on the road or a sudden spontaneous case of an unknown terminal illness.
But enough of these fantasies. Lets get back to reality, shall we? The reality is this: Thursday is day of death part 1. Friday is day of death part 2. Friday afternoon is happy days. Tonight is the day before hell starts. So you can understand the dilemma I'm in.
Once again, for a little dose of reality, none of this is really as bad as I'm making it out to be. Come to think of it, I'm really quite positive about it all, I simply find these emotions and this current tension in my life an awful thing to waste, I mean, look what I've written already? Ok, I understand that you think it's a bunch of insane ramblings of my diseased mind, but I don't really care what you think; I'm enjoying it, and that's all that matters.
More to the point this is very therapeutic, and where I was writhing in depressive bitterness earlier, I really have quite a positive outlook on these upcoming trials I will be facing. And it's all thanks to the awesome power of writing! All I had to do was break down how I was feeling, talk about how I've lived through it in the past, and bang! Everything is once again good in the world. I wonder if I could make that into a restorative three act structure...ehhh, but that's another story.
And I've lost your attention. I can't say I blame you, I mean this is really long and I'm saying basically nothing of importance. But again, I don't really care (wow, I really am a jerk to my non-existent potential readers, aren't I?). I'm doing this for me, and however selfish that may sound, it's a big deal in my life. I say that because up until this semester, even though I've tried my best to conceal it and make myself believe otherwise, I HAVE cared what other people think of me. But here I am on a new path in life (oh cliches, you haunt me!), a path that isn't looking for a companion (i.e. a girlfriend), and a path that says I'll do whatever I need to do for myself and my God. And gosh darn it, I'm going to make it to the end of this path.
I really have no idea where this entry is going anymore. Excuse me while I pause to read over what I've already written and reclaim my train of thought...
Well, re-reading everything didn't really help much, and it's getting late, which means it's time to turn in...to a monkey.
What I'm trying to say is...It's over. That's the end...you can go home now.
Ok I'm leaving.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Spontaneity Prime
It's super late right now, and I'm getting to bed late again when I told myself I wouldn't. It was imperative that I get to bed at a decent hour tonight. But here I am, up past 3:00 AM again, and I'm just killing time, posting on blogger.
I just suddenly felt the urge to write something. I love to write, and blogger offers the unique opportunity at the moment to write without rules. I don't have to catch up on anything, I don't have to include or not include anything in particular, and I'm not writing for an assignment or for anyone in particular to read it. So I can post in absolute freedom, just saying what I want and nothing else. It's nice.
Today I had an excellent, though unnerving at times, day. My class this morning went pretty well and then I slept for three hours to recover from getting to bed at 4 the last two nights. I felt really good after that, both physically and emotionally.
It's good that I've been emotionally in tact at the beginning of this week, because this is probably the hardest week of my life so far. And I say that thinking that it is very nearly true. I have 3 projects due this week, a paper, a test, financial aid, and several hours of production on certain nights.
I'm going to feel really good when I get to Friday at noon. Then I can focus on paying for college, hopefully get that done, and then be really ready for Thanks-giving. I'm going home for Thanks-giving, so I can't wait. I'm really looking forward to seeing my family, and at the same time, suddenly not ready for it. That's another story, maybe I'll elaborate on it another time. Right now my emotional state may be slightly more unstable due to the late hour and exhaustion.
Anyway, I'm also really excited to see my best friend David when I go home. So I think it will be a great Thanks-giving.
Today, like I said was a good day. I had lots to do, and I got a lot accomplished. Tonight was a long night of production too, and despite some set backs and crazy things that went wrong (which happens all the time on productions) things went really well I think. I was really proud of myself for getting homework done while I was there too. We had good food, I did a good job, and I hung out with good friends, and I sang the theme song to Duck Tales practically the whole time. I don't know what more I could have asked for. I really have such a blessed life, even with all the hard times.
Speaking of hard times, I've had a lot this semester. But I think that it's a good thing. I feel I've grown so much this semester. I've grown as a person, as a man, as a man of God and as a media com student. It's a good feeling because I feel really confident in general and I feel closer to God as a result. I really like who I am and who I'm becoming. And I am confident about my future and about the work God is doing in and through me, and also the work He has for me in the future. It's exciting and I am enjoying life and this semester despite it being the hardest part of my life so far.
Despite all of this, tonight I am feeling a little uneasy. My attention has again been brought to the subject of my home life. I don't feel at home there anymore and don't completely understand how I'm supposed to fit in there anymore. I don't really like the structure of my family anymore and I don't like to think about what it will be like to live there over Thanks-giving. I love my Dad, my brothers and my sister so much, but I don't know how to feel about my step mom and my step sister yet. I try to love them with Christ's love, but I can't really accept them as part of my family yet. I don't know how. I don't really know them and I don't know if I like them yet. I know that's horrible to say, but how can I? I don't know them. And how can I get to know two people I don't live with and who I don't speak the same language as?
There are just so many confusing factors and so many things that don't make sense with this merger of two families and I don't know how I'm supposed to take it or what I'm supposed to do in all of this. One thing I do know: my step mom is not my Mother. My real mom still exists and no one will ever replace her. And I'm just going to flat out say that I don't like that my siblings call her mom. I don't think it's right. She's not their mom. Even if that were how things work, even if it was the right thing for people to adopt a new mom when their original one died, it's been too short and she hasn't earned that yet. None of us know her very well. I'm not saying that she's untrustworthy, I'm just saying, how can we accept her so easily as an integral part of our family when it's nearly impossible for us to communicate with her, we don't know her and she judges us while her own daughter is out of control. And that in itself is another dilemma which threatens to tear our family and my siblings to shreds. But I won't go into that.
This may all sound like I'm angry and bitter, but I'm not. I'm simply distressed and don't know how to understand all of this. I need to pray about it a ton because it weighs on me heavily and is causing me more emotional trauma than this entire semester has. I need God to make sense of this because I can't understand it.
Lord I pray that you would give me eyes to see and ears to hear what you tell me. I pray that I would receive it humbly and would accept what you tell me without judgement. I pray that I would glorify your name in how I act in the future and in regard to this situation. And finally Lord, I pray that you would hold me in your arms and comfort me. Fill me with your spirit and surround me with your protection. Give me peace and joy and help my faith to be strong enough to know that your will will be done. Thank-you Jesus for all that you do, and for loving me without limit. I love you Jesus. Amen.
I just suddenly felt the urge to write something. I love to write, and blogger offers the unique opportunity at the moment to write without rules. I don't have to catch up on anything, I don't have to include or not include anything in particular, and I'm not writing for an assignment or for anyone in particular to read it. So I can post in absolute freedom, just saying what I want and nothing else. It's nice.
Today I had an excellent, though unnerving at times, day. My class this morning went pretty well and then I slept for three hours to recover from getting to bed at 4 the last two nights. I felt really good after that, both physically and emotionally.
It's good that I've been emotionally in tact at the beginning of this week, because this is probably the hardest week of my life so far. And I say that thinking that it is very nearly true. I have 3 projects due this week, a paper, a test, financial aid, and several hours of production on certain nights.
I'm going to feel really good when I get to Friday at noon. Then I can focus on paying for college, hopefully get that done, and then be really ready for Thanks-giving. I'm going home for Thanks-giving, so I can't wait. I'm really looking forward to seeing my family, and at the same time, suddenly not ready for it. That's another story, maybe I'll elaborate on it another time. Right now my emotional state may be slightly more unstable due to the late hour and exhaustion.
Anyway, I'm also really excited to see my best friend David when I go home. So I think it will be a great Thanks-giving.
Today, like I said was a good day. I had lots to do, and I got a lot accomplished. Tonight was a long night of production too, and despite some set backs and crazy things that went wrong (which happens all the time on productions) things went really well I think. I was really proud of myself for getting homework done while I was there too. We had good food, I did a good job, and I hung out with good friends, and I sang the theme song to Duck Tales practically the whole time. I don't know what more I could have asked for. I really have such a blessed life, even with all the hard times.
Speaking of hard times, I've had a lot this semester. But I think that it's a good thing. I feel I've grown so much this semester. I've grown as a person, as a man, as a man of God and as a media com student. It's a good feeling because I feel really confident in general and I feel closer to God as a result. I really like who I am and who I'm becoming. And I am confident about my future and about the work God is doing in and through me, and also the work He has for me in the future. It's exciting and I am enjoying life and this semester despite it being the hardest part of my life so far.
Despite all of this, tonight I am feeling a little uneasy. My attention has again been brought to the subject of my home life. I don't feel at home there anymore and don't completely understand how I'm supposed to fit in there anymore. I don't really like the structure of my family anymore and I don't like to think about what it will be like to live there over Thanks-giving. I love my Dad, my brothers and my sister so much, but I don't know how to feel about my step mom and my step sister yet. I try to love them with Christ's love, but I can't really accept them as part of my family yet. I don't know how. I don't really know them and I don't know if I like them yet. I know that's horrible to say, but how can I? I don't know them. And how can I get to know two people I don't live with and who I don't speak the same language as?
There are just so many confusing factors and so many things that don't make sense with this merger of two families and I don't know how I'm supposed to take it or what I'm supposed to do in all of this. One thing I do know: my step mom is not my Mother. My real mom still exists and no one will ever replace her. And I'm just going to flat out say that I don't like that my siblings call her mom. I don't think it's right. She's not their mom. Even if that were how things work, even if it was the right thing for people to adopt a new mom when their original one died, it's been too short and she hasn't earned that yet. None of us know her very well. I'm not saying that she's untrustworthy, I'm just saying, how can we accept her so easily as an integral part of our family when it's nearly impossible for us to communicate with her, we don't know her and she judges us while her own daughter is out of control. And that in itself is another dilemma which threatens to tear our family and my siblings to shreds. But I won't go into that.
This may all sound like I'm angry and bitter, but I'm not. I'm simply distressed and don't know how to understand all of this. I need to pray about it a ton because it weighs on me heavily and is causing me more emotional trauma than this entire semester has. I need God to make sense of this because I can't understand it.
Lord I pray that you would give me eyes to see and ears to hear what you tell me. I pray that I would receive it humbly and would accept what you tell me without judgement. I pray that I would glorify your name in how I act in the future and in regard to this situation. And finally Lord, I pray that you would hold me in your arms and comfort me. Fill me with your spirit and surround me with your protection. Give me peace and joy and help my faith to be strong enough to know that your will will be done. Thank-you Jesus for all that you do, and for loving me without limit. I love you Jesus. Amen.
Monday, November 8, 2010
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