I've been semi avoiding updating because I haven't wanted to talk about certain things. On the other hand, I haven't had all that interesting subject material to talk about either. so everything was either unmentionable or not worth mentioning. Funny how that works.
Regardless, I think I'll just start talking randomly about what's been going on lately, since I'm neither in the mood to try hard, nor do I have the energy to care. Wow, I bet you feel loved now. Honestly, I do want to write on here, and I do want you to have something interesting to read, I'm just really tired right now. And part of the reason I haven't been posting is because I didn't want to bore you.
But on to business!
Unfortunately a friend of mine died last week. I hadn't seen him for quite some time so the shock of it was slow in coming and I wasn't fully prepared for how much it would effect me. Needless to say, it has been devastating. What's more, my friend Michael Blain Bovill left behind three younger sisters and his two parents, as well as very many close friends. Part of how bad I feel is tied in with how bad I feel for his friends and family. Being in the position I am in, I've been conflicted; let me explain.
I've hung out with Michael quite a few times in this life, and I always got along with him and liked him a lot. We might have even been really close friends, too, if it hadn't been for the fact that he is two years older than me and the amount of times I saw him were inconsistent and sometimes few and far between. Because of all of this, when I found out that he had died I was shocked, but unsure how to take it. I felt completely miserable right away for his sisters (one of whom I am rather close with--or at least, I was rather close with), and shortly after that I felt terrible for his friends.
When it came to deciding whether I should go to the viewing and the funeral, I was hesitant and saddened, because I wanted to be there, but I didn't feel like it was my place. I figured it would be an intimate family occasion and that I didn't have the right to be there. Thus, because of that, I had originally assumed I wouldn't be at either of them.
Soon after that I really wanted at least to go to the viewing when I found that it was public and all were welcome. First and foremost I wanted to go for his family and friends though, because I was still thinking of them in all of this. Part of my reasoning in that was that he's in heaven now and perfectly fine and happy. All has gone according to God's plan, so why should I worry about Michael.
At the last minute I decided I wanted to go the funeral, finally realizing that I'd been a fool. How could I forget Michael in all of this? Wouldn't I have welcomed him gladly to my funeral had it been the other way around? And at that very same moment it struck me; I suddenly realized how much he himself had meant to me. At the funeral...well, that's the most I've cried in sorrow in a very, very long time. I had convinced myself that I am not capable of crying in that way. But I was impacted by how much I miss him, and how much I wish I could really be there for his family and friends. The weight of all of this is falling on me; falling on me hard. It kills me that I was not closer to him in this life, and also that I cannot likewise be there for anyone in this time of sorrow. I am completely helpless to make them feel better. Perhaps it is not my job to worry in this way, and perhaps it is not my job to fix things; but by God, how I wish I could. I can't stop caring.
But I know that in all this, in Michael's death, in the family's sorrow, in my separation from it all, and in my inability to do anything, God's will has been done, and His hand is at work even now.
Finally, I keep repeating a quote to myself that I just heard from one Eric Liddell who was once an Olympic gold medalist and missionary of China. He worked and lived in China around the time of the second world war, and felt he should stay when the Japanese invaded, sending his family (pregnant wife and two daughters) away for safety.
When he saw his wife for the last time in this life he said,
"Those who love God never meet for the last time.........”
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